UNDERSTANDING THE SIBLING BOND

I always found myself being different from others. Being born as the youngest child in a family is usually considered the best because you have your elder brothers and sisters to protect you from your parents all the time. You are always the center of attraction and everyone loves you the most. Since my siblings were a lot older to me, sometimes they would behave like my parents too but in a cool way, of course. I was used to getting all the gifts. I loved it when the clothes my sister wore didn’t fit her anymore and they would be mine because I had an eye on it the day she bought it. I never experienced rejection in my life. I got whatever and whenever I wanted except I did not ask for much. I believe it was because of the plethora of options available. I did not realize what an amazing life I had and of course that didn’t even last that long.

Eventually, their lives moved on and out of my life.

When I meet boys, and I notice how much they seem to care about their sisters that would always a deciding factor for me, or maybe I was just biased. I would find my friends complaining about their brothers irritating them to the core and all I could think of is, I don’t understand how this must feel but you’re lucky. How birthdays are a thing even at home if not just with friends, and how much they truly love them. The way they stand by their sisters and give them a glimpse of the world through their eyes to protect their sisters, I get a tad bit emotional. I see sisters having fun together by learning to groom and having a bond nobody else can have, ever. How self-sufficient those people are and never feel the desperation of love.

Today, when I see my social media feeds, I realize I missed out on so much while I could have my own world. I could have understood the difference between right from wrong, way before making the mistakes I did. I could have begun dating only after I was ready because I could be busy understanding unconditional love at home.

I know now the root cause of my failed relationships and being the needy one in love. That happened because I never learned to love. I never learned how to share my space and I never learned to live. Today, I can see there is a void waiting to be filled up but neither material nor forced relationships with people has helped.

I am at the threshold of finishing my options, and I realize I was looking at all the wrong places.

However, it is too late now. I say that because I tried every day and every other chance I got but I was shut down and I don’t blame anyone. I should have understood the need of it without anyone guiding me to it.

Nevertheless, I keep searching for it, because I am a little too hopeful and a lot more desperate and because it is the only thing, I know.